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Ao menos por hoje já não penso mais nisto /At least for tonight I won't think about this anymore.

Jul. 12th, 2013 | 01:03 am

I shall use this as my crying tool? coping mechanism? I don't know.. I don't know anything anymore.. I dont know my life. things have changed from black to white in a matter of months, and all that was repressed somehow blew up in my face. I don't quite mind, in a way, because i'll be myself from now on, I'll finally learn, who am I, what I want and how do I want to go from here.
But I cant give/show myself as much as I did in the past before. no way.


My memory is shit. I can't remember many many things, only when I face the person (imagine I am trying to know where has this facebook friend request has come from) thats when I go "oh! ok, from my old college!") will I remember who the fuck he she it is.

It's a side effect from the meds I took to counter the anxiety attacks I had. I have been taking them for 3+ years, so it has all settled in - I became cold, no memory, no libido (yep, almost nothing). I became someone that I now look at and say heeeellll no. I don't like that bitch.6? 7

But this is now. No meds anymore, just willpower. Now I'm leaving all the self destructive thought patterns behind (no, you ARE WORTH SOMETHING and ppl DO PRAISE YOUR WORK. you are CUTE, men look at you if you STOP FROWNING and START SMILING), but holy shit, its HARD.

I'm not giving in to the pressure, because i'm seeing results as times goes by, but it tires me.. so DAMN much.
I still feel the anxiety, the urge to get the fuck out of here from time to time.

I have a brain that weights a ton, in the sense that I think way too much way too fast.
My brain fucks up my social skills. my anxiety made me shut up and be afraid to talk to people. i feel weird.
But nevertheless, it all went ok I guess. The social inept that I thought I was got even got a boyfriend that turned into a long relationship of 6? 7? fucked up memory strikes again.

(to be continued)

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Tenho um nó no peito ultimamente e dói como a merda.

Jul. 11th, 2013 | 02:56 pm

I have a knot in m chest lately, and it hurts like a motherfucker.
Alas, the need to return to this vlog, where my actual identity (aka name and face) is unknown I hope.

I shall use this as my crying tool? coping mechanism? I don't know.. I know know anything any more.. I dont know my life. things have changed from black to white in a matter of days, and all that was represses somehow blew in my face. I don't quite mind, in a way, because i'll be myself from now on, I'll finally learn, who am I, what I want and how do I want to go from here.
But I cant give/show myself as much as I di in the past before. no way.

My memory is shit. I can't remember many many things, only when I face the person (imaagine I am trying to know where has this facebook friend request has come from) thats when I go "oh! ok, from my old college!"

(to be continued)

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To sum up like, 5 to 7 years of my life.

Aug. 6th, 2011 | 12:59 am
mood: happy actually


I honestly postponed this post because I didn't how to tell you about my last five to seven years in English. Grammar sucks. It's complicated, because although it might seem I didn't do much, to me it honestly felt like a whole lot! So my brain sort of melts when I try to form a sentence. I'm even less wordy'ish nowadays.


Nos últimos 7 anos tive o meu primeiro amor, o meu primeiro beijo, o meu primeiro coração partido à séria, o meu primeiro namorado sério.

Tirei a carta! já sei conduzir!

Saí da faculdade, comecei a ser a aprendiza do meu pai, a sucessora. Passei a vê-lo com outros olhos, e a conhece-lo bem bem melhor. Agora a profissão dele já não é "Hell fuck no way!" para "epá, tá fixe!"
~
Candidatei-me a um curso de contabilidade para herdar a profissão e a empresa dele. A ideia não me desagrada de todo. ;)
A minha creatividade está no congelador para não apodrecer e se estragar xD... é que agora o foco é outro...Trabalhar, ganhar dinheiro, cuidar de mim, ir ao ginásio (wtf Ana??? 95Kg?? (TT^TT) ) pensar em MIM, no que EU quero, é completamente ALIENIGENA mas necessário.

Nestes anos, tenho aprendido a não me deixar levar pelos outros, não ficar ofendida com o que os outros pensam de mim (incluindo um trauma de estimação meu), e a ser EU a escolher. porque em última análise, a escolha é minha.
ainda n tou a 100%, sei que ainda tenho muitos anos de psicóloga pela frente, mas BOLAS, eventualmente teria que voltar à terra. Há alturas em que os meds não funcam, então lá vai a Ana a pensar que tá tudo contra ela ou a disparatar com tudo e com todos.

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Sunset

Jun. 16th, 2011 | 09:34 pm

Sharing the view :)

Pretty huh? ^^

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Good morning!

Jun. 15th, 2011 | 11:56 am
location: bed!
mood: sleepy

Fairy says hi! <\random>

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Learn from your mistakes. It's all experience!

Jun. 15th, 2011 | 01:44 am
location: at home reminiscing
mood: pensive

My last pic of my old college. I took it on my last day- bye byee bio classes!

I kinda burned my bridges when I left, forgot about almost everyone, and decided to start a new "life", so to speak. Although the many dreams and projects I had have faded away, It's refreshing to think of the new possibilities, the steps one takes when becoming an adult.

And about the past too. The best part, without a doubt, is embracing the mistakes as part of evolution, which turns a mistake into a necessary step towards the place where you are now.

And if you like where you are now, and the person you've become, why regret it?

I'm sleeping now. It's almost two am :)

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Guys makes no sense, and I'm confused. (rant)

Jun. 13th, 2011 | 10:20 pm
location: home
mood: surprisedbitter
music: Danson Tang- Ai Wo (Love Me)

To him, I might come off as a bit selfish, I think. I tend to project this image of "meh, I care but not that much" to him, is it why he is insecure around me sometimes?

Should I depend on him more, although there are times when I don't want to be with him at all?

Am I too demanding?

It's just... I don't see myself spending the rest of my life with him, and I see him making plans.
I miss him, but not quite. I don't "pine" (i remember this word from 10 things I hate about you, but the spelling is probably messed up), I just tend to feel he's there all the time.

I feel I'm trying to move on, to evolve. He's an eternal 2nd year graduate student (he entered college 5 years ago - I met him at college).

He's there, kinda predictable by now (we're a 5 years old couple), he's safe. is it a good thing? do I think these things because he is "safe"?


He's my first boyfriend. 3rd person I kissed.
I'm his second girlfriend. I don't know how many women he kissed before me (nor care).


Today I felt really frustrated. I went to his workplace, a mall, drove 25km, crossed a bridge, payed the toll, waited 2 hours to have dinner with him.
He leaves, says "Wait a sec, I'm just going to buy something for a coleague", doesn't have enough money, and I gave him money for the other guy. Then he wants to buy some crap for the car.
Then he says "wa... I'm not hungry, at lunch I ate three time what you can eat".

I left. fuck it, I need to study, just wasted my afternoon on him. Thank you for ruining the mood and wasting my time.

He has the attention to these types of details of a BRICK, but can be bitchy when I don't pay him the proper attention.

Just...blah. *hits her head on her desk*

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To the lurker with the creepy smile in the corner

Jun. 7th, 2011 | 07:45 pm

*waves* helloo!!

so... whats up? in a not creepy way mr. lurker, please...Collapse )

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Day... Wait, night-dreaming!!

Jun. 6th, 2011 | 09:32 pm
mood: @o@... lalala...
music: annoying voice from hell - law stuff

I'm bored. Bored. Booooooooooored.

I'm at class right now. seriously bored.

I don't quite understand why the hell I need to know these laws... actually I know this is useful but oh so boring...

I'm seriously daydreaming right now.

So...
What would I love to be doing right now?

Drawing. Drawing clothes. I would love to know how to draw clothes properly...

To everyone and anyone who reads this entry - how can I learn Japanese alone? Is it possible? Please?!

私はアナです。はじめまひて。どおぞよろしく。日本語が好き。and this is probably the only Japanese I truly know. Besides this I know some word but I would love to learn it. I don't have the time nor the money.

This teacher has a bad habit - he doesn't talk, he screams :/ and he's boring as hell.

Bollocks. XD

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Accountant by day, fashionista handicrafter by night xD

Jun. 5th, 2011 | 02:56 am

I fell in love with this picture when I was looking at a fashion book. Took it when no one was looking ;) and it's in the phone for quite sometime... A couple of months maybe, it's kinda my reminder for me not to forget the things I like, like fashion, etc, in the middle of all the numbers and accounting and what not.

Wa~~ I feel peaceful today, and for no apparent reason *smile*. Just one of those days. Went to see the boyfriend today and arrived at 1am at home. Now I'm looking through the window looking at the stars and just thinking about everything and nothing at the same time.

<3
Ana

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